Hey hey hey! I was talking to someone this summer about how much we change as people over time, even over just a short span of a year. I did this tag about a year ago, and I'm curious to see how much has changed in my answers! Original post.
1: What are you wearing?
Sweat pants and a t-shirt. Basically my uniform.
2: Ever been in love?
No.
3: Ever had a terrible breakup?
Yes.
4: How tall are you?
5 ft. 7 in.
5: How much do you weigh?
Still not answering this.
6: Any tattoos?
Two of them: five birds on my hip, and a butterfly on my wrist. I have more planned, but probably not for a while.
7: Any piercings?
My ears.
8: OTP?
James Potter and Lily Evans. #JILY
9: Favorite show?
Love me some West Wing and Newsroom. Also a huge Doctor Who fan.
10: Favorite bands/musical artists?
David Bowie, Pink Floyd, The Beatles, Walk the Moon, Amy Winehouse (but ask me another day, and things may have changed!)
11: Something you miss?
My sister, my best friend, my cat, and San Francisco.
12: Favorite song?
"La Vie En Rose" Louis Armstrong
13: How old are you?
22
14: Zodiac sign?
Cancer
15: Quality you look for in a partner?
Ability to listen without trying to fix me. Also someone who knows when it's okay to push me out of my comfort zone and when to let it be.
16: Favorite Quote?
"The road goes ever on and on down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the road goes on and I must follow if I can.
Pursuing it with weary feet until it meets some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet, and whither then?
I cannot say."
-JRR Tolkien (yes, I did just recite that from memory #nerdgirl)
17: Favorite actor?
Currently obsessed with Keira Knightly
18: Favorite color?
RED
19: Loud music or soft?
LOUD
20: Where do you go when you’re sad?
My bedroom. Or the ballet studio, if it's empty.
21: How long does it take you to shower?
Anywhere between 5 and 20 minutes.
22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
Between 10 minutes and an hour (depending how many times I hit the snooze button).
23: Ever been in a physical fight?
Yes.
24: Turn on?
Smelling nice.
25: Turn off?
Dirty.
26: The reason I started blogging?
I wanted a place where I could share myself with people without having to worry about seeing their reactions. I've also been told that I give good advice, and have great stories to offer. Plus I love writing.
27: Fears?
Being misunderstood.
28: Last thing that made you cry?
Just generally being overwhelmed by the downpour of crap that has been my past couple of months. Thank goodness for friends and family.
29: Last time you said you loved someone?
This morning.
30: Meaning behind your Blogger Name?
My mom's nickname for me is "blackbird"
31: Last book you read?
The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern
32: The book you’re currently reading?
The Heritage of Hastur by Marion Zimmer Bradely
33: Last show you watched?
"Cooked" on Netflix
34: Last person you talked to?
My friend Madeleine
35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted?
One of my best friends
36: Favorite food?
Salted black licorice. Specifically Pantteri salmiakki from Fazer.
37: Place you want to visit?
London, UK
38: Last place you were?
Rex coffee house.
39: Do you have a crush?
No. Thank goodness.
40: Last time you kissed someone?
New Year's Eve
41: Last time you were insulted?
Someone accused me of taking care of people before taking care of myself in a rather heated tone, but I'm not sure if that counts.
42: Favorite flavor of sweet?
Lemon.
43: What instruments do you play?
Violin and flute, very badly.
44: Favorite piece of jewelry?
My sixteenth birthday ring and my necklace that has the latitude and longitude coordinates of San Francisco.
45: Last sport you played?
Ballet
46: Last song you sang?
"All I Ask" by Adele
47: Favorite chat up line?
"Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you I smile."
48: Have you ever used it?
Still haven't!
49: Last time you hung out with anyone?
This morning, I got coffee with my friend Djouliet.
50: Who should answer these questions next?
Aaron Renteria, because I know he just started his blog!
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Self-Sabotage
There's a reason this blog is entitled "Blackbird Du Jour." I wanted to be free to post whatever I wanted without feeling the restraints of a "beauty blog," a "fitness blog," or a "lifestyle blog." I wanted to be able to express whatever struck my fancy on any given day.
Today, the topic is self-sabotage.
In case this is your first time reading my blog, hello! My name is Kathleen, and I am a ballet dancer. There are a lot of pressures to look a certain way and perform a certain way in this line of work, which often attracts perfectionists. However, as perfectionists, when dance doesn't necessarily go our way, we turn to perfecting the one thing we can control; our bodies.
I have struggled with eating disorders for as long as I can remember. I honestly can't recall a moment where I had what would be considered a "normal" relationship with food. It got worse when I started dancing professional roles at 15. Diet pills, laxatives, and calorie restricting galore, I had what one would call EDNOS, aka Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I didn't really fit into any neat little square like anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa, or even binge eating disorder. I was a wonderful combination of all of the above. This made it so that my disorder flew under the radar for a very long time. Plus, part of my job is to be an actress, so anytime someone would ask me if everything was okay, my lies were eloquent and disarming enough, no one ever suspected a thing.
For the majority of the past four years, I would say that I have mostly been in recovery. I have had my relapses, some more severe than others. To make matters worse however, I have gained weight. I weigh considerably more than I have ever wanted to, and certainly more than I should as a ballet dancer. This has made it incredibly difficult for me to stay in recovery, as a large part of my brain is programmed to immediately start restricting calories or taking diet pills or doing juice cleanses for much longer than the recommended time.
During my relapses, I have tried these things. And none of them have worked. I have started to think that I will never be able to get a job again, simply because no matter what I do or do not eat, I cannot seem to lose the weight. I have had nutritionists and endocrinologists alike look at me and say they have no idea how I am not emaciated with how little I eat and how much I exercise (and this is me in "recovery").
Just over a week ago, I was diagnosed with a disease called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. One of the side affects of this disease is weight gain, as it causes your body to be resistant to insulin. In fact, it basically has your body reacting to food the same way someone with type II diabetes would. This seemed to be the answer to all of my problems! I could be put on a drug that would increase my insulin sensitivity, and finally be able to lose weight again!
However, I had forgotten my proclivity for self-sabotage.
I am currently working with a wonderful human being who is trying to help me get my eating disorder under control, once and for all. Because even if this drug returns me to my normal insulin sensitivity, it still won't deal with my awful relationship with food. This week, I was supposed to keep a food diary to show her. I have mostly been good, but do you know what I did this evening?
I binged and purged.
But why? I know how I'm going to feel when I'm done, I know that all I'm going to do is beat myself over what I've done. There is no feeling of accomplishment, only self-loathing. So why do I do it? And why do so many like me do it? Because I'm not the only one who self destructs. It seems to be an affliction that is shared by much of the human race.
My father has a theory.
He thinks that I self-sabotage because I am so terrified of my own potential. I am so horrifically scared of what I am capable of. I have an IQ of a genius, I am finishing my bachelor's degree in two years, and I am a rather talented dancer. On top of that I am someone who literally lives to help others.
Maybe this is true. Maybe I'm intimidated by my own capacity for greatness. But if I own up to my greatness, doesn't that make me big-headed? Full of myself? I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I know that I always seem to be the only one who is surprised when I accomplish something huge. Do I just need to have a bigger opinion of myself? Will I stop standing in my own way then? I wish I knew.
Today, the topic is self-sabotage.
In case this is your first time reading my blog, hello! My name is Kathleen, and I am a ballet dancer. There are a lot of pressures to look a certain way and perform a certain way in this line of work, which often attracts perfectionists. However, as perfectionists, when dance doesn't necessarily go our way, we turn to perfecting the one thing we can control; our bodies.
I have struggled with eating disorders for as long as I can remember. I honestly can't recall a moment where I had what would be considered a "normal" relationship with food. It got worse when I started dancing professional roles at 15. Diet pills, laxatives, and calorie restricting galore, I had what one would call EDNOS, aka Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I didn't really fit into any neat little square like anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa, or even binge eating disorder. I was a wonderful combination of all of the above. This made it so that my disorder flew under the radar for a very long time. Plus, part of my job is to be an actress, so anytime someone would ask me if everything was okay, my lies were eloquent and disarming enough, no one ever suspected a thing.
For the majority of the past four years, I would say that I have mostly been in recovery. I have had my relapses, some more severe than others. To make matters worse however, I have gained weight. I weigh considerably more than I have ever wanted to, and certainly more than I should as a ballet dancer. This has made it incredibly difficult for me to stay in recovery, as a large part of my brain is programmed to immediately start restricting calories or taking diet pills or doing juice cleanses for much longer than the recommended time.
During my relapses, I have tried these things. And none of them have worked. I have started to think that I will never be able to get a job again, simply because no matter what I do or do not eat, I cannot seem to lose the weight. I have had nutritionists and endocrinologists alike look at me and say they have no idea how I am not emaciated with how little I eat and how much I exercise (and this is me in "recovery").
Just over a week ago, I was diagnosed with a disease called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. One of the side affects of this disease is weight gain, as it causes your body to be resistant to insulin. In fact, it basically has your body reacting to food the same way someone with type II diabetes would. This seemed to be the answer to all of my problems! I could be put on a drug that would increase my insulin sensitivity, and finally be able to lose weight again!
However, I had forgotten my proclivity for self-sabotage.
I am currently working with a wonderful human being who is trying to help me get my eating disorder under control, once and for all. Because even if this drug returns me to my normal insulin sensitivity, it still won't deal with my awful relationship with food. This week, I was supposed to keep a food diary to show her. I have mostly been good, but do you know what I did this evening?
I binged and purged.
But why? I know how I'm going to feel when I'm done, I know that all I'm going to do is beat myself over what I've done. There is no feeling of accomplishment, only self-loathing. So why do I do it? And why do so many like me do it? Because I'm not the only one who self destructs. It seems to be an affliction that is shared by much of the human race.
My father has a theory.
He thinks that I self-sabotage because I am so terrified of my own potential. I am so horrifically scared of what I am capable of. I have an IQ of a genius, I am finishing my bachelor's degree in two years, and I am a rather talented dancer. On top of that I am someone who literally lives to help others.
Maybe this is true. Maybe I'm intimidated by my own capacity for greatness. But if I own up to my greatness, doesn't that make me big-headed? Full of myself? I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I know that I always seem to be the only one who is surprised when I accomplish something huge. Do I just need to have a bigger opinion of myself? Will I stop standing in my own way then? I wish I knew.
Do you sabotage yourself? In what way?
Fly high, little birds!
xxx
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Challenge Day 7- Talking About My Eating Disorder
It has been seven days since I last updated you all on my 21 day challenge! I have several bits of news, both good and bad. I will start with the bad first, just to get it out of the way!
I have had to stop the cardio aspect of my challenge. I have severe shin splints, so adding running to my already high level of daily activity was incredibly painful for me! I have been using the stationary bike instead.
Now that that is out of the way, let me just say WOW. Sometimes when there is something wrong with your body for so long, you start to not notice it as much anymore. For me, it's my chronic hip and back pain from dancing, as well as a constant feeling of nausea. While this new eating hasn't cured my pain (darn!) it has tremendously improved my nausea! What I noticed was that within the first couple of days eating like this, there was a bit of discomfort. Probably just my body getting used to eating this way, especially since it was a fairly drastic change! I had no ease-in process where I was vegetarian or vegan.
My the third day of eating low fat raw vegan, I noticed that I no longer felt ill when I ate! The relief that my body feels is almost overwhelming!
The one downside to my eating this way is that I have to be eating constantly, which is very hard for someone as busy as me. I have been very good about planning meals the night before to bring with me in my new backpack!
On the flip-side, as someone who has struggled with an eating disorder for about a decade, this lifestyle is incredibly fulfilling. I would restrict, then binge, then take laxatives and purge; I was diagnosed with a subtype of anorexia nervosa when I was 12 years old. Needless to say, even while in "recovery," eating large quantities of food and keeping it in me has been a struggle. However, eating low fat raw vegan has allowed me to eat very large portions that would normally be terrifying for me! I'm not saying that I feel 100% fearless when I see a big bowl of bananas and mangos, but the more I eat this way, the less scared I become, and the more confidence I have at the table.
Hopefully I will be able to continue with this newfound mindset when I have completed the challenge.
I have had to stop the cardio aspect of my challenge. I have severe shin splints, so adding running to my already high level of daily activity was incredibly painful for me! I have been using the stationary bike instead.
Now that that is out of the way, let me just say WOW. Sometimes when there is something wrong with your body for so long, you start to not notice it as much anymore. For me, it's my chronic hip and back pain from dancing, as well as a constant feeling of nausea. While this new eating hasn't cured my pain (darn!) it has tremendously improved my nausea! What I noticed was that within the first couple of days eating like this, there was a bit of discomfort. Probably just my body getting used to eating this way, especially since it was a fairly drastic change! I had no ease-in process where I was vegetarian or vegan.
My the third day of eating low fat raw vegan, I noticed that I no longer felt ill when I ate! The relief that my body feels is almost overwhelming!
The one downside to my eating this way is that I have to be eating constantly, which is very hard for someone as busy as me. I have been very good about planning meals the night before to bring with me in my new backpack!
Hopefully I will be able to continue with this newfound mindset when I have completed the challenge.
I hope everyone is doing well! I love you!
-Fly high, little birds!
xxx
Saturday, February 7, 2015
TMI Tag!
Hello all! I am a bit bored this Saturday morning, so I thought I would answer the TMI Tag questions! Enjoy :)
1: What are you wearing?
I am currently wearing my PJs, which is a college t-shirt and black leggings.
2: Ever been in love?
Not sure. I have certainly had strong feelings for someone, but I don't know if it was love.
3: Ever had a terrible breakup?
Kind of.
4: How tall are you?
5 ft. 7 in.
5: How much do you weigh?
Nope.
6: Any tattoos?
Yes! Two of them.
7: Any piercings?
Just my ears.
8: OTP?
James Potter and Lily Evans. #JILY
9: Favorite show?
Depends on when you ask me. I love Doctor Who, Sherlock, and Supernatural, but I also adore The West Wing and Teen Wolf.
10: Favorite bands?
The Beatles, Coldplay, Mumford and Sons, and Arctic Monkeys.
11: Something you miss?
My sister, my best friend, and my cat.
12: Favorite song?
"Grace Kelly" by MIKA
13: How old are you?
21
14: Zodiac sign?
Cancer
15: Quality you look for in a partner?
Ability to listen without trying to fix me. And funny :)
16: Favorite Quote?
"The road goes ever on and on down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the road goes on and I must follow if I can.
Pursuing it with weary feet until it meets some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet, and whither then?
I cannot say."
-JRR Tolkien (yes, I did just recite that from memory #nerdgirl)
17: Favorite actor?
Meryl Streep
18: Favorite color?
Red or royal blue, depending on the day.
19: Loud music or soft?
Loud.
20: Where do you go when you’re sad?
My bed.
21: How long does it take you to shower?
Anywhere between 5 and 20 minutes.
22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
Between 20 minutes and an hour (depending how many times I hit the snooze button).
23: Ever been in a physical fight?
Yes.
24: Turn on?
Smelling nice.
25: Turn off?
Dirty.
26: The reason I started blogging?
I wanted a place where I could share myself with people without having to worry about seeing their reactions.
27: Fears?
Being misunderstood.
28: Last thing that made you cry?
I was feeling really down about my job search (I am a professional ballet dancer)
29: Last time you said you loved someone?
This morning
30: Meaning behind your Blogger Name?
My mom's nickname for me is "blackbird"
31: Last book you read?
King of the Murgos by David Eddings
32: The book you’re currently reading?
Demon Lord of Karanda by David Eddings
33: Last show you watched?
Supernatural
34: Last person you talked to?
My sister
35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted?
My sister
36: Favorite food?
Salted black licorice and steak (not together!)
37: Place you want to visit?
London, UK
38: Last place you were?
My kitchen, NYC
39: Do you have a crush?
Yes...
40: Last time you kissed someone?
Too long ago...
41: Last time you were insulted?
Does me insulting myself count?
42: Favorite flavor of sweet?
Lemon.
43: What instruments do you play?
Violin and flute
44: Favorite piece of jewelery?
My sixteenth birthday ring.
45: Last sport you played?
Ballet
46: Last song you sang?
"Sky Full of Stars" by Coldplay
47: Favorite chat up line?
"Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you I smile."
48: Have you ever used it?
Nope!
49: Last time you hung out with anyone?
Last night with my friend Gabby.
50: Who should answer these questions next?
Haley Elizabeth Richardson of HER on YouTube
1: What are you wearing?
I am currently wearing my PJs, which is a college t-shirt and black leggings.
2: Ever been in love?
Not sure. I have certainly had strong feelings for someone, but I don't know if it was love.
3: Ever had a terrible breakup?
Kind of.
4: How tall are you?
5 ft. 7 in.
5: How much do you weigh?
Nope.
6: Any tattoos?
Yes! Two of them.
7: Any piercings?
Just my ears.
8: OTP?
James Potter and Lily Evans. #JILY
9: Favorite show?
Depends on when you ask me. I love Doctor Who, Sherlock, and Supernatural, but I also adore The West Wing and Teen Wolf.
10: Favorite bands?
The Beatles, Coldplay, Mumford and Sons, and Arctic Monkeys.
11: Something you miss?
My sister, my best friend, and my cat.
12: Favorite song?
"Grace Kelly" by MIKA
13: How old are you?
21
14: Zodiac sign?
Cancer
15: Quality you look for in a partner?
Ability to listen without trying to fix me. And funny :)
16: Favorite Quote?
"The road goes ever on and on down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the road goes on and I must follow if I can.
Pursuing it with weary feet until it meets some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet, and whither then?
I cannot say."
-JRR Tolkien (yes, I did just recite that from memory #nerdgirl)
17: Favorite actor?
Meryl Streep
18: Favorite color?
Red or royal blue, depending on the day.
19: Loud music or soft?
Loud.
20: Where do you go when you’re sad?
My bed.
21: How long does it take you to shower?
Anywhere between 5 and 20 minutes.
22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
Between 20 minutes and an hour (depending how many times I hit the snooze button).
23: Ever been in a physical fight?
Yes.
24: Turn on?
Smelling nice.
25: Turn off?
Dirty.
26: The reason I started blogging?
I wanted a place where I could share myself with people without having to worry about seeing their reactions.
27: Fears?
Being misunderstood.
28: Last thing that made you cry?
I was feeling really down about my job search (I am a professional ballet dancer)
29: Last time you said you loved someone?
This morning
30: Meaning behind your Blogger Name?
My mom's nickname for me is "blackbird"
31: Last book you read?
King of the Murgos by David Eddings
32: The book you’re currently reading?
Demon Lord of Karanda by David Eddings
33: Last show you watched?
Supernatural
34: Last person you talked to?
My sister
35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted?
My sister
36: Favorite food?
Salted black licorice and steak (not together!)
37: Place you want to visit?
London, UK
38: Last place you were?
My kitchen, NYC
39: Do you have a crush?
Yes...
40: Last time you kissed someone?
Too long ago...
41: Last time you were insulted?
Does me insulting myself count?
42: Favorite flavor of sweet?
Lemon.
43: What instruments do you play?
Violin and flute
44: Favorite piece of jewelery?
My sixteenth birthday ring.
45: Last sport you played?
Ballet
46: Last song you sang?
"Sky Full of Stars" by Coldplay
47: Favorite chat up line?
"Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you I smile."
48: Have you ever used it?
Nope!
49: Last time you hung out with anyone?
Last night with my friend Gabby.
50: Who should answer these questions next?
Haley Elizabeth Richardson of HER on YouTube
Hope you enjoyed this! Even if you didn't, I enjoyed answering them hehehe
What are some of your answers to the questions above?
-Fly high, little birds!
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
What I got for Christmas!
If you are not particularly partial to seeing what other people got for the holidays, then look away now! However, if you are as nosy as I am about what other people have gotten, then this is the perfect post for you! Here is what I got for Christmas.
My sister got me a fantastic selection of products from one of my favorite stores, LUSH! At college, I don't have a bath tub, so while I'm home, I'm practically taking a bath every night, and the selection she bought me is amazing!
My family friends gifted me this BEAUTIFUL vintage 60s silk scarf. I feel like Jackie O. when I wear it! They also gave me an adorable scrabble piece pendant that reads, "Keep Calm and Drink Tea."
My best friend knows me so well. She managed to score a tub of my favorite candy, salted black licorice, a lip scrub, lavender oil, and anise mints! She knows my love of socks knows no bounds, so she got me a pair that are seriously more comfortable than anything I've worn in a long while! To top it off, she gave me a lacrosse ball, which is perfect for rolling out sore muscles, and some great nail polish! Boy, do I love her.
My parents have been traveling quite a bit this past year, so most of my presents from them are from around the world! First, my mother got me a set of ornaments from Finland with the adorable Moomintroll! She knows how much I love moomin. In Australia, they got me a Zebra rock pendant, that is about 500 MILLION years old! How cool is that? Anytime my mother travels abroad, she always makes sure to buy me duty-free Burberry Brit, which is my all time favorite fragrance!
My main present from my parents, however, was my brand new Oxygen Pillow. I know, a pillow? For Christmas? But seriously, this pillow is an absolute dream! I have had the best nights sleep of my life on this pillow! It is designed to increase airflow to support deep breathing, and while I won't describe exactly how they do it, let me just say this; IT WORKS!
My aunt got me this lovely bracelet. The best part about it is that 25% of the proceeds go towards funding breast cancer research, and since the same aunt just recently entered remission for breast cancer, this means a lot!
Finally, for my stocking stuffers, I received a new book by the ever-brilliant Patrick Rothfuss! I also got another LUSH item; the wonderful Cupcake face mask!
Every year I am blown away by the thoughtfulness and care that my friends and family put into the gifts they give me each year. I can only hope that they love the presents I get them as much as I love mine!
My sister got me a fantastic selection of products from one of my favorite stores, LUSH! At college, I don't have a bath tub, so while I'm home, I'm practically taking a bath every night, and the selection she bought me is amazing!
 |
| The "Golden Wonder" bath bomb- sweet orange, lime and cognac oils. The best part is, there is a surprise in the center! |
 |
| This bath bomb is named "Christmas Eve," and is scented with jasmine and ylang ylang... perfect for an evening soak! |
 |
| This ADORABLE "Chrismas Hedghog" is almost too cute to use! However, smells of lavender, rose and ylang ylang were too enticing to resist! |
 |
| Just add over-sized sunglasses! |
 |
| Appropriate for any avid tea drinker! |
 |
| YUM |
 |
| Is it bad I don't want to take them off? |
 |
| A dancer's best friend |
 |
| The colors from left to right are; "My Dogsled is a Hybrid," "Do You Have this Color in Stock-holm?," "My Voice is a Little Norse," and finally, "How Great is Your Dane." |
My main present from my parents, however, was my brand new Oxygen Pillow. I know, a pillow? For Christmas? But seriously, this pillow is an absolute dream! I have had the best nights sleep of my life on this pillow! It is designed to increase airflow to support deep breathing, and while I won't describe exactly how they do it, let me just say this; IT WORKS!
My aunt got me this lovely bracelet. The best part about it is that 25% of the proceeds go towards funding breast cancer research, and since the same aunt just recently entered remission for breast cancer, this means a lot!
Finally, for my stocking stuffers, I received a new book by the ever-brilliant Patrick Rothfuss! I also got another LUSH item; the wonderful Cupcake face mask!
Every year I am blown away by the thoughtfulness and care that my friends and family put into the gifts they give me each year. I can only hope that they love the presents I get them as much as I love mine!
What did you get for the holidays?
-Fly high, little birds!
Monday, December 22, 2014
Behind the Camera: Blogmas Day 22
As a photographer, I am very rarely in photos. However, I thought I would put together a little collection of pictures of me with my camera that were taken by my various friends :)
Are you usually the photographer or the photographed?
-Fly high, little birds!
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Nutcracker Flashback- Blogmas Day 8
'Tis that time of the year! With everyone about to open their run of The Nutcracker, I thought I would go back and look at all of the different characters I've played since my first nutcracker in 1998.
Here we have my very first nutcracker! I was a caroler in the prologue (with my dad in the middle as the priest!), and I was a mouse. While at Ballet San Jose, I was always a mouse, because that was the only student role.
In 2004, I moved to the San Francisco Ballet School, where I was a rich girl in the prologue, and a butterfly in the opening of Act II. I was so excited because this was an entirely new production of The Nutcracker, and I was the first student out on stage! That kind of thing is a big deal when you're 11 years old! (Rich girl costume not pictured)
The next season I was a party girl! I got to be Clara's best friend, which I thought was really cool! My name was Carolina Pessego.
In the next couple of years I was a soldier in the fight scene and a dragonfly in the opening of Act II.
When I was 15, I started learning company roles! This was incredibly exciting for me, and was my first real experience with dancing with a professional company. I was a flower vendor in the prologue, I was Mrs. Greene in the party scene, and I got to dance snowflake and flower!
During my trainee year at SFB, I got to learn and perform the Dancing Doll with the San Francisco Symphony!
While dancing with the Cincinnati Ballet, I danced as a party parent, a snowflake, a flower, and a mirlipoo. Unfortunately, I do not have pictures of these costumes!
Here we have my very first nutcracker! I was a caroler in the prologue (with my dad in the middle as the priest!), and I was a mouse. While at Ballet San Jose, I was always a mouse, because that was the only student role.
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| I'm the one on the bottom right |
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| My twin sister Victoria (left) and myself being goofy. |
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| I'm the butterfly who is 3rd from the left |
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| I'm in the pink dress on the far right. |
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| I'm in the back with the black and gold hat. |
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| Me in my flower vendor costume with my dad, who was the Policeman in the prologue. |
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| Snowflakes with my friend Caitlin. |
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| Flowers with my friends Lauren and Caitlin. |
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| Don't mind the photo-bomb... |
I hope you enjoyed this stroll down memory lane with me!
Does your family ever get to see The Nutcracker?
-Fly high, little birds!
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Makeup Look Of The Day: Blogmas Day 7
Just as I said in my post from yesterday, I created a makeup look from my Sephora purchases! I'm really happy with how it turned out, however I couldn't seem to get a good picture of the eyeshadow. We'll just have to make do with the full face!
I am wearing NARS Sheer Glow Foundation in the color Deuville. This foundation is beautiful! I have particularly oily skin, so I've always been a bit cautions about trying anything with the word "glow" in it. However, with some setting powder, I had absolutely no trouble! My face looked raidiant without looking like an oil slick.
For my countour/bronzer, I am wearing The Body Shop's bronzing powder in the shade fair matte. For my blush I am wearing Mac's Poweder Blush in the shade Well Dressed. This is a very pale pink satin blush that I really love wearing when I'm very pale. The satin finish gives a subtle glow that makes wearing a highlighter completely unneccessary!
For my eyebrows I have used Laura Mercier's Matte Eye Colour in the shade Cafe Au Lait. This is a great multi-purpose product that I will often use on my lids as well as my eyebrows.
On my eyes I am using the Too-Faced eye primer in the shade Champagne. This wakes up the eyes wonderfully, and is a great lazy girl cosmetic item! I will often use this on its own when I am rushing out of the house. However, today I am also using my eyeshadow purchase from yesterday, Sephora's Mirror eyeshadow in the color Lunar Eclipse. To line my eyes I again took a little bit of the Cafe Au Lait on a thin liner brush. To finish, I used Dior's Diorshow Iconic Overcurl Mascara (what a mouthful!).
On my lips I used the Sephora lip liner from my purchase yesterday, Real Red, and for my lipstick I used Mac's retro matte lipstick in the shade Ruby Woo.
I am wearing NARS Sheer Glow Foundation in the color Deuville. This foundation is beautiful! I have particularly oily skin, so I've always been a bit cautions about trying anything with the word "glow" in it. However, with some setting powder, I had absolutely no trouble! My face looked raidiant without looking like an oil slick.
For my countour/bronzer, I am wearing The Body Shop's bronzing powder in the shade fair matte. For my blush I am wearing Mac's Poweder Blush in the shade Well Dressed. This is a very pale pink satin blush that I really love wearing when I'm very pale. The satin finish gives a subtle glow that makes wearing a highlighter completely unneccessary!
For my eyebrows I have used Laura Mercier's Matte Eye Colour in the shade Cafe Au Lait. This is a great multi-purpose product that I will often use on my lids as well as my eyebrows.
On my eyes I am using the Too-Faced eye primer in the shade Champagne. This wakes up the eyes wonderfully, and is a great lazy girl cosmetic item! I will often use this on its own when I am rushing out of the house. However, today I am also using my eyeshadow purchase from yesterday, Sephora's Mirror eyeshadow in the color Lunar Eclipse. To line my eyes I again took a little bit of the Cafe Au Lait on a thin liner brush. To finish, I used Dior's Diorshow Iconic Overcurl Mascara (what a mouthful!).
On my lips I used the Sephora lip liner from my purchase yesterday, Real Red, and for my lipstick I used Mac's retro matte lipstick in the shade Ruby Woo.
I hope you have enjoyed this post! Let me know what you think of this look in the comments below.
-Fly high, little birds!
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Being Grateful: Blogmas Day 4
This is a bit of a personal post. If you're not into that, then move along, nothing to see here!
I came to New York in an effort to reclaim a crumbling dance career. Who would have thought that at the age of 21 that would be my reality, eh? But it is. While going from a professional contract back to a school has been incredibly difficult, there are days when I feel like it is all worth it. Dancing, after all, is like breathing to me, and I will take it in whatever shape or form it is offered to me.
Today I had the most amazing opportunity to improvise with my fellow members of the BFA program at Alvin Ailey. What I saw blew me away. Our teacher gave us to prompt to choreograph/improv a piece that was a minute long, that was a story of our lives, from birth to now. The amount of creativity was astounding, but that's not what really got me.
Dancers have an incredible ability to be able to call forth the most raw emotions; its what creates such a powerful performance. What the audience doesn't know is sometimes the hardship that the dancer suffers to bring such real emotions to the stage. In our little improvisation exercise today, there wasn't a single person who didn't make me cry. It is something I will never forget.
Around the holidays, I end up thinking a lot about how grateful I am to be able to dance the way I do, and to touch so many people. Today it hit me very hard. While I may not be where I want to be yet, I am truly grateful to the dancers who I am sharing this crazy road with.
I came to New York in an effort to reclaim a crumbling dance career. Who would have thought that at the age of 21 that would be my reality, eh? But it is. While going from a professional contract back to a school has been incredibly difficult, there are days when I feel like it is all worth it. Dancing, after all, is like breathing to me, and I will take it in whatever shape or form it is offered to me.
Today I had the most amazing opportunity to improvise with my fellow members of the BFA program at Alvin Ailey. What I saw blew me away. Our teacher gave us to prompt to choreograph/improv a piece that was a minute long, that was a story of our lives, from birth to now. The amount of creativity was astounding, but that's not what really got me.
Dancers have an incredible ability to be able to call forth the most raw emotions; its what creates such a powerful performance. What the audience doesn't know is sometimes the hardship that the dancer suffers to bring such real emotions to the stage. In our little improvisation exercise today, there wasn't a single person who didn't make me cry. It is something I will never forget.
Around the holidays, I end up thinking a lot about how grateful I am to be able to dance the way I do, and to touch so many people. Today it hit me very hard. While I may not be where I want to be yet, I am truly grateful to the dancers who I am sharing this crazy road with.
-Fly high, little birds!
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Holiday Decor: Blogmas Day 3
In a place like New York City, there is no lack of religious denominations. In fact, in my apartment alone we have three different denominations among four people! This is why I like to keep my decorations simple and enjoyable for everyone.
Depicted here are the few decorations that I have put up in my room; a red sequined pillowcase and an ornament from H&M, a Twisted Peppermint candle from Bath & Body Works, a festive looking masquerade mask from my local market, and string lights. My room now looks sufficiently festive!
Depicted here are the few decorations that I have put up in my room; a red sequined pillowcase and an ornament from H&M, a Twisted Peppermint candle from Bath & Body Works, a festive looking masquerade mask from my local market, and string lights. My room now looks sufficiently festive!
How do you decorate for the holidays?
-Fly high, little birds!
Monday, December 1, 2014
Winter Plumage: Blogmas Day 2
I often get the urge to dye my hair. In fact, when I was about 16, I permanently dyed my hair dark brown... then black...then red...then light brown with a streak of purple. I ended up getting incredibly sick of the maintenance it took to keep my hair looking good. Several years later, I am back to my natural dirty blonde... and I had the urge to dye my hair again!
This time, however, I used Clairol's Natural Instinct's hair dye because it washes out after 28 shampoos. By that time, the whim of having darker hair will probably have passed, and I can go back to having blonde moments on a regular basis!
Here are my before and after pictures:
This time, however, I used Clairol's Natural Instinct's hair dye because it washes out after 28 shampoos. By that time, the whim of having darker hair will probably have passed, and I can go back to having blonde moments on a regular basis!
Here are my before and after pictures:
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| Blonde |
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| Brunette |
Now I get to enjoy my darker winter plumage! And who knows, maybe not being blonde will raise my IQ just in time for finals ;)
-Fly high, little birds!
Sunday, November 30, 2014
November Favorites: Blogmas Day 1
November is already over, and you know what that means......... CHRISTMAS IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!! (Or whatever holiday you celebrate (:)
I cannot wait to experience my favorite time of the year! But first, let me share my favorites from the past month.
First off, I have been LOVING the Soap&Glory range! Its an old favorite brand of mine, and I have rediscovered some of my ol' go-to products, like the Scrub of Your Life lathering body scrub! This product is wonderful because it is both a scrub and cleanser in one, and for all those lazy people out there *violently raises hand* this product is a dream! It is in Soap&Glory's original Pink scent, as is the Righteous Body Butter and the Hand Food. <3
Since I have been using the Soap&Glory products a lot, I have loving wearing Chanel's COCO Mademoiselle fragrance, which pairs gorgeously with the Righteous Body Butter! I love wearing sweet, crisp scents in the Autumn, and this Chanel is perfect!
Moving on to face care, I have been loving my Nivea Milk & Honey lip balm. It smells heavenly, and is a treat for the lips in this NYC weather!
Also for the lips, I have been loving my limited edition NARS Audacious Lipstick in the color Charlotte. It is a gorgeous oxblood burgundy color that has been perfect for fall! The pigmentation is excellent, and its staying power is amazing! I only need a few touch-ups throughout the day!
My favorite candle this month is, without a doubt, the Marshmallow Fireside candle from Bath & Body Works. I am one of those girls who loves a good oriental scent, but also loves a sweet scent, and this is the perfect combination of the two! Bath & Body Works provides the description, "Get cozy by the crackling fire with a fall perfect blend of marshmallows, smoldering woods, and warm vanilla." Good enough to eat!......... but don't do that........ ew.
This is a rather random favorite, but I'm putting it in anyway; gummy Melatonin from VitaFusion. I have a hard time falling asleep, and while melatonin doesn't always do the trick, it does help! Not only are these gummies delicious, they are also sugar-free! Just what a ballerina like me likes to hear.
My favorite tv show this past month has definitely been Teen Wolf. I think I finished 3 seasons in a matter of 2 weeks! On a similar note, my favorite human this past month is Daniel Sharman, who is on the show. I have one word for you. CHEEKBONES. That is all.
I cannot wait to experience my favorite time of the year! But first, let me share my favorites from the past month.
First off, I have been LOVING the Soap&Glory range! Its an old favorite brand of mine, and I have rediscovered some of my ol' go-to products, like the Scrub of Your Life lathering body scrub! This product is wonderful because it is both a scrub and cleanser in one, and for all those lazy people out there *violently raises hand* this product is a dream! It is in Soap&Glory's original Pink scent, as is the Righteous Body Butter and the Hand Food. <3
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| Soap&Glory from Sephora |
Since I have been using the Soap&Glory products a lot, I have loving wearing Chanel's COCO Mademoiselle fragrance, which pairs gorgeously with the Righteous Body Butter! I love wearing sweet, crisp scents in the Autumn, and this Chanel is perfect!
 |
| COCO MADEMOISELLE |
Moving on to face care, I have been loving my Nivea Milk & Honey lip balm. It smells heavenly, and is a treat for the lips in this NYC weather!
Also for the lips, I have been loving my limited edition NARS Audacious Lipstick in the color Charlotte. It is a gorgeous oxblood burgundy color that has been perfect for fall! The pigmentation is excellent, and its staying power is amazing! I only need a few touch-ups throughout the day!
 |
| NARS lipstick Charlotte |
My favorite candle this month is, without a doubt, the Marshmallow Fireside candle from Bath & Body Works. I am one of those girls who loves a good oriental scent, but also loves a sweet scent, and this is the perfect combination of the two! Bath & Body Works provides the description, "Get cozy by the crackling fire with a fall perfect blend of marshmallows, smoldering woods, and warm vanilla." Good enough to eat!......... but don't do that........ ew.
 |
| Marshmallow Fireside Candle |
This is a rather random favorite, but I'm putting it in anyway; gummy Melatonin from VitaFusion. I have a hard time falling asleep, and while melatonin doesn't always do the trick, it does help! Not only are these gummies delicious, they are also sugar-free! Just what a ballerina like me likes to hear.
My favorite tv show this past month has definitely been Teen Wolf. I think I finished 3 seasons in a matter of 2 weeks! On a similar note, my favorite human this past month is Daniel Sharman, who is on the show. I have one word for you. CHEEKBONES. That is all.
I hope you guys enjoyed my November faves! I'm hopefully going to be blogging every day this month, so make sure you tune in :)
What's your favorite part of the holidays?
-Fly high, little birds!
Monday, November 17, 2014
Fall Day in NYC
Hello everyone!
I have been loving living here in New York City! With dance and school, I don't really get out into the city that never sleeps, but yesterday I finally had some free time.
I'm getting to experience one of my favorite cities during my favorite time of the year, and it is glorious! I spent nearly 7 hours outside yesterday, just walking through Central Park, and window shopping on 5th Ave!
I have been loving living here in New York City! With dance and school, I don't really get out into the city that never sleeps, but yesterday I finally had some free time.
I'm getting to experience one of my favorite cities during my favorite time of the year, and it is glorious! I spent nearly 7 hours outside yesterday, just walking through Central Park, and window shopping on 5th Ave!
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| Tiffany's & Co. looking festive | s |
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| Tommy Hilfiger is ready for Christmas! |
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| Columbus Circle |
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| Central Park Bridge |
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| Don't the leaves look good enough to jump in? |
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| Peaceful path through Central Park |
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| An obscured carousel in Central Park |
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| Main pathway, Central Park |
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| Going to the fountain |
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| Cutie! |
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| Contemplating crunching leaves. |
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| My look of the day. I'm wearing Tanya Burr's Vampire Kiss lipgloss, and my hair was inspired by Zoella's milkmaid braid. |
What is your favorite time of year?
Fly high, little birds!
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