Today, the topic is self-sabotage.
In case this is your first time reading my blog, hello! My name is Kathleen, and I am a ballet dancer. There are a lot of pressures to look a certain way and perform a certain way in this line of work, which often attracts perfectionists. However, as perfectionists, when dance doesn't necessarily go our way, we turn to perfecting the one thing we can control; our bodies.
I have struggled with eating disorders for as long as I can remember. I honestly can't recall a moment where I had what would be considered a "normal" relationship with food. It got worse when I started dancing professional roles at 15. Diet pills, laxatives, and calorie restricting galore, I had what one would call EDNOS, aka Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I didn't really fit into any neat little square like anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa, or even binge eating disorder. I was a wonderful combination of all of the above. This made it so that my disorder flew under the radar for a very long time. Plus, part of my job is to be an actress, so anytime someone would ask me if everything was okay, my lies were eloquent and disarming enough, no one ever suspected a thing.
For the majority of the past four years, I would say that I have mostly been in recovery. I have had my relapses, some more severe than others. To make matters worse however, I have gained weight. I weigh considerably more than I have ever wanted to, and certainly more than I should as a ballet dancer. This has made it incredibly difficult for me to stay in recovery, as a large part of my brain is programmed to immediately start restricting calories or taking diet pills or doing juice cleanses for much longer than the recommended time.
During my relapses, I have tried these things. And none of them have worked. I have started to think that I will never be able to get a job again, simply because no matter what I do or do not eat, I cannot seem to lose the weight. I have had nutritionists and endocrinologists alike look at me and say they have no idea how I am not emaciated with how little I eat and how much I exercise (and this is me in "recovery").
Just over a week ago, I was diagnosed with a disease called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. One of the side affects of this disease is weight gain, as it causes your body to be resistant to insulin. In fact, it basically has your body reacting to food the same way someone with type II diabetes would. This seemed to be the answer to all of my problems! I could be put on a drug that would increase my insulin sensitivity, and finally be able to lose weight again!
However, I had forgotten my proclivity for self-sabotage.
I am currently working with a wonderful human being who is trying to help me get my eating disorder under control, once and for all. Because even if this drug returns me to my normal insulin sensitivity, it still won't deal with my awful relationship with food. This week, I was supposed to keep a food diary to show her. I have mostly been good, but do you know what I did this evening?
I binged and purged.
But why? I know how I'm going to feel when I'm done, I know that all I'm going to do is beat myself over what I've done. There is no feeling of accomplishment, only self-loathing. So why do I do it? And why do so many like me do it? Because I'm not the only one who self destructs. It seems to be an affliction that is shared by much of the human race.
My father has a theory.
He thinks that I self-sabotage because I am so terrified of my own potential. I am so horrifically scared of what I am capable of. I have an IQ of a genius, I am finishing my bachelor's degree in two years, and I am a rather talented dancer. On top of that I am someone who literally lives to help others.
Maybe this is true. Maybe I'm intimidated by my own capacity for greatness. But if I own up to my greatness, doesn't that make me big-headed? Full of myself? I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I know that I always seem to be the only one who is surprised when I accomplish something huge. Do I just need to have a bigger opinion of myself? Will I stop standing in my own way then? I wish I knew.
Do you sabotage yourself? In what way?
Fly high, little birds!
xxx
