Hey hey hey! I was talking to someone this summer about how much we change as people over time, even over just a short span of a year. I did this tag about a year ago, and I'm curious to see how much has changed in my answers! Original post.
1: What are you wearing?
Sweat pants and a t-shirt. Basically my uniform.
2: Ever been in love?
No.
3: Ever had a terrible breakup?
Yes.
4: How tall are you?
5 ft. 7 in.
5: How much do you weigh?
Still not answering this.
6: Any tattoos?
Two of them: five birds on my hip, and a butterfly on my wrist. I have more planned, but probably not for a while.
7: Any piercings?
My ears.
8: OTP?
James Potter and Lily Evans. #JILY
9: Favorite show?
Love me some West Wing and Newsroom. Also a huge Doctor Who fan.
10: Favorite bands/musical artists?
David Bowie, Pink Floyd, The Beatles, Walk the Moon, Amy Winehouse (but ask me another day, and things may have changed!)
11: Something you miss?
My sister, my best friend, my cat, and San Francisco.
12: Favorite song?
"La Vie En Rose" Louis Armstrong
13: How old are you?
22
14: Zodiac sign?
Cancer
15: Quality you look for in a partner?
Ability to listen without trying to fix me. Also someone who knows when it's okay to push me out of my comfort zone and when to let it be.
16: Favorite Quote?
"The road goes ever on and on down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the road goes on and I must follow if I can.
Pursuing it with weary feet until it meets some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet, and whither then?
I cannot say."
-JRR Tolkien (yes, I did just recite that from memory #nerdgirl)
17: Favorite actor?
Currently obsessed with Keira Knightly
18: Favorite color?
RED
19: Loud music or soft?
LOUD
20: Where do you go when you’re sad?
My bedroom. Or the ballet studio, if it's empty.
21: How long does it take you to shower?
Anywhere between 5 and 20 minutes.
22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
Between 10 minutes and an hour (depending how many times I hit the snooze button).
23: Ever been in a physical fight?
Yes.
24: Turn on?
Smelling nice.
25: Turn off?
Dirty.
26: The reason I started blogging?
I wanted a place where I could share myself with people without having to worry about seeing their reactions. I've also been told that I give good advice, and have great stories to offer. Plus I love writing.
27: Fears?
Being misunderstood.
28: Last thing that made you cry?
Just generally being overwhelmed by the downpour of crap that has been my past couple of months. Thank goodness for friends and family.
29: Last time you said you loved someone?
This morning.
30: Meaning behind your Blogger Name?
My mom's nickname for me is "blackbird"
31: Last book you read?
The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern
32: The book you’re currently reading?
The Heritage of Hastur by Marion Zimmer Bradely
33: Last show you watched?
"Cooked" on Netflix
34: Last person you talked to?
My friend Madeleine
35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted?
One of my best friends
36: Favorite food?
Salted black licorice. Specifically Pantteri salmiakki from Fazer.
37: Place you want to visit?
London, UK
38: Last place you were?
Rex coffee house.
39: Do you have a crush?
No. Thank goodness.
40: Last time you kissed someone?
New Year's Eve
41: Last time you were insulted?
Someone accused me of taking care of people before taking care of myself in a rather heated tone, but I'm not sure if that counts.
42: Favorite flavor of sweet?
Lemon.
43: What instruments do you play?
Violin and flute, very badly.
44: Favorite piece of jewelry?
My sixteenth birthday ring and my necklace that has the latitude and longitude coordinates of San Francisco.
45: Last sport you played?
Ballet
46: Last song you sang?
"All I Ask" by Adele
47: Favorite chat up line?
"Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you I smile."
48: Have you ever used it?
Still haven't!
49: Last time you hung out with anyone?
This morning, I got coffee with my friend Djouliet.
50: Who should answer these questions next?
Aaron Renteria, because I know he just started his blog!
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Self-Sabotage
There's a reason this blog is entitled "Blackbird Du Jour." I wanted to be free to post whatever I wanted without feeling the restraints of a "beauty blog," a "fitness blog," or a "lifestyle blog." I wanted to be able to express whatever struck my fancy on any given day.
Today, the topic is self-sabotage.
In case this is your first time reading my blog, hello! My name is Kathleen, and I am a ballet dancer. There are a lot of pressures to look a certain way and perform a certain way in this line of work, which often attracts perfectionists. However, as perfectionists, when dance doesn't necessarily go our way, we turn to perfecting the one thing we can control; our bodies.
I have struggled with eating disorders for as long as I can remember. I honestly can't recall a moment where I had what would be considered a "normal" relationship with food. It got worse when I started dancing professional roles at 15. Diet pills, laxatives, and calorie restricting galore, I had what one would call EDNOS, aka Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I didn't really fit into any neat little square like anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa, or even binge eating disorder. I was a wonderful combination of all of the above. This made it so that my disorder flew under the radar for a very long time. Plus, part of my job is to be an actress, so anytime someone would ask me if everything was okay, my lies were eloquent and disarming enough, no one ever suspected a thing.
For the majority of the past four years, I would say that I have mostly been in recovery. I have had my relapses, some more severe than others. To make matters worse however, I have gained weight. I weigh considerably more than I have ever wanted to, and certainly more than I should as a ballet dancer. This has made it incredibly difficult for me to stay in recovery, as a large part of my brain is programmed to immediately start restricting calories or taking diet pills or doing juice cleanses for much longer than the recommended time.
During my relapses, I have tried these things. And none of them have worked. I have started to think that I will never be able to get a job again, simply because no matter what I do or do not eat, I cannot seem to lose the weight. I have had nutritionists and endocrinologists alike look at me and say they have no idea how I am not emaciated with how little I eat and how much I exercise (and this is me in "recovery").
Just over a week ago, I was diagnosed with a disease called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. One of the side affects of this disease is weight gain, as it causes your body to be resistant to insulin. In fact, it basically has your body reacting to food the same way someone with type II diabetes would. This seemed to be the answer to all of my problems! I could be put on a drug that would increase my insulin sensitivity, and finally be able to lose weight again!
However, I had forgotten my proclivity for self-sabotage.
I am currently working with a wonderful human being who is trying to help me get my eating disorder under control, once and for all. Because even if this drug returns me to my normal insulin sensitivity, it still won't deal with my awful relationship with food. This week, I was supposed to keep a food diary to show her. I have mostly been good, but do you know what I did this evening?
I binged and purged.
But why? I know how I'm going to feel when I'm done, I know that all I'm going to do is beat myself over what I've done. There is no feeling of accomplishment, only self-loathing. So why do I do it? And why do so many like me do it? Because I'm not the only one who self destructs. It seems to be an affliction that is shared by much of the human race.
My father has a theory.
He thinks that I self-sabotage because I am so terrified of my own potential. I am so horrifically scared of what I am capable of. I have an IQ of a genius, I am finishing my bachelor's degree in two years, and I am a rather talented dancer. On top of that I am someone who literally lives to help others.
Maybe this is true. Maybe I'm intimidated by my own capacity for greatness. But if I own up to my greatness, doesn't that make me big-headed? Full of myself? I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I know that I always seem to be the only one who is surprised when I accomplish something huge. Do I just need to have a bigger opinion of myself? Will I stop standing in my own way then? I wish I knew.
Today, the topic is self-sabotage.
In case this is your first time reading my blog, hello! My name is Kathleen, and I am a ballet dancer. There are a lot of pressures to look a certain way and perform a certain way in this line of work, which often attracts perfectionists. However, as perfectionists, when dance doesn't necessarily go our way, we turn to perfecting the one thing we can control; our bodies.
I have struggled with eating disorders for as long as I can remember. I honestly can't recall a moment where I had what would be considered a "normal" relationship with food. It got worse when I started dancing professional roles at 15. Diet pills, laxatives, and calorie restricting galore, I had what one would call EDNOS, aka Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I didn't really fit into any neat little square like anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa, or even binge eating disorder. I was a wonderful combination of all of the above. This made it so that my disorder flew under the radar for a very long time. Plus, part of my job is to be an actress, so anytime someone would ask me if everything was okay, my lies were eloquent and disarming enough, no one ever suspected a thing.
For the majority of the past four years, I would say that I have mostly been in recovery. I have had my relapses, some more severe than others. To make matters worse however, I have gained weight. I weigh considerably more than I have ever wanted to, and certainly more than I should as a ballet dancer. This has made it incredibly difficult for me to stay in recovery, as a large part of my brain is programmed to immediately start restricting calories or taking diet pills or doing juice cleanses for much longer than the recommended time.
During my relapses, I have tried these things. And none of them have worked. I have started to think that I will never be able to get a job again, simply because no matter what I do or do not eat, I cannot seem to lose the weight. I have had nutritionists and endocrinologists alike look at me and say they have no idea how I am not emaciated with how little I eat and how much I exercise (and this is me in "recovery").
Just over a week ago, I was diagnosed with a disease called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. One of the side affects of this disease is weight gain, as it causes your body to be resistant to insulin. In fact, it basically has your body reacting to food the same way someone with type II diabetes would. This seemed to be the answer to all of my problems! I could be put on a drug that would increase my insulin sensitivity, and finally be able to lose weight again!
However, I had forgotten my proclivity for self-sabotage.
I am currently working with a wonderful human being who is trying to help me get my eating disorder under control, once and for all. Because even if this drug returns me to my normal insulin sensitivity, it still won't deal with my awful relationship with food. This week, I was supposed to keep a food diary to show her. I have mostly been good, but do you know what I did this evening?
I binged and purged.
But why? I know how I'm going to feel when I'm done, I know that all I'm going to do is beat myself over what I've done. There is no feeling of accomplishment, only self-loathing. So why do I do it? And why do so many like me do it? Because I'm not the only one who self destructs. It seems to be an affliction that is shared by much of the human race.
My father has a theory.
He thinks that I self-sabotage because I am so terrified of my own potential. I am so horrifically scared of what I am capable of. I have an IQ of a genius, I am finishing my bachelor's degree in two years, and I am a rather talented dancer. On top of that I am someone who literally lives to help others.
Maybe this is true. Maybe I'm intimidated by my own capacity for greatness. But if I own up to my greatness, doesn't that make me big-headed? Full of myself? I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I know that I always seem to be the only one who is surprised when I accomplish something huge. Do I just need to have a bigger opinion of myself? Will I stop standing in my own way then? I wish I knew.
Do you sabotage yourself? In what way?
Fly high, little birds!
xxx
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Long Time No See- Update and Starting Accutane
Hello lovely humans!
It has been an incredibly long time since I posted on here, and for that I am sorry. I have been dealing with some health problems for the past several months, but they seem to be getting under control now.
One of those health problems has been my acne. Now, I have suffered from acne since I was about 11 years old fairly consistently. For most of the time I have had it, it has been mild to moderate. However, the past year has brought on a whole round of severe flare ups! Over my more than a decade long acquaintance with this skin condition, I have tried everything from drugstore brands, Proactiv, topical prescriptions, and even oral antibiotics like Doxycycline.
Nothing has worked.
So my dermatologist and I decided it was finally time for me to try Isotretinoin, better known as Accutane.
As a dancer, a good part of my job revolves around how I look, and my breakouts have really started to affect my confidence levels. I would look in the mirror, and all I would see would be the red scars left behind by old breakouts and the new flare ups that just wouldn't seem to stop. My skin would itch and flake from the topical solutions, and be painful where new pimples were coming in. I would try to wear makeup to cover it up, but since I sweat for a living, this was usually a futile attempt at masking the problem.
Isotretinoin is an extremely harsh drug that is processes through the liver, and basically shuts down sebum production in the body. Excessive dryness and joint pain are common side effects. For female patients, we are required to jump through extra hoops to prevent pregnancy while on this drug, for it can cause severe birth defects.
As you can tell, this is not a decision I have taken lightly. I mean, do you think I would sign up for more joint pain when I already put enough stress on my joints as it is? Not unless I felt I had exhausted all of my options!
I'm going to try to keep an updated blog of my Accutane journey, talking about my side effects, products I'm using, etc. During the month leading up to my start of Accutane, I found these sort of videos and blog posts to be extremely helpful in educating me about this drug and how to deal with it. I just hope that I can help people in the same way that others helped me.
My skin has always been something I have been ashamed of. When your skin is as bad as mine, you start thinking that everyone is judging you for it, thinking that you don't take care of your skin properly. The truth is there are environmental, hormonal, and genetic factors that are beyond our control. Acne shouldn't be something to be ashamed about. I'm hoping that by talking about it, it will help people with a similar condition to mine realize that IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT YOUR SKIN IS THIS WAY. You are beautiful, and you haven't done anything wrong. The only reason to deal with this skin condition should be personal discomfort, not what other people think about you. The reason I am doing this has everything to do with the fact that my face is constantly in a state of pain, itchiness, or some other form of discomfort.
Sorry if this has been a bit of a ramble. Hopefully I will get back into the swing of this whole blogging thing again.
These photos I am posting are hard for me to look at, so please be kind.
It has been an incredibly long time since I posted on here, and for that I am sorry. I have been dealing with some health problems for the past several months, but they seem to be getting under control now.
One of those health problems has been my acne. Now, I have suffered from acne since I was about 11 years old fairly consistently. For most of the time I have had it, it has been mild to moderate. However, the past year has brought on a whole round of severe flare ups! Over my more than a decade long acquaintance with this skin condition, I have tried everything from drugstore brands, Proactiv, topical prescriptions, and even oral antibiotics like Doxycycline.
Nothing has worked.
So my dermatologist and I decided it was finally time for me to try Isotretinoin, better known as Accutane.
As a dancer, a good part of my job revolves around how I look, and my breakouts have really started to affect my confidence levels. I would look in the mirror, and all I would see would be the red scars left behind by old breakouts and the new flare ups that just wouldn't seem to stop. My skin would itch and flake from the topical solutions, and be painful where new pimples were coming in. I would try to wear makeup to cover it up, but since I sweat for a living, this was usually a futile attempt at masking the problem.
Isotretinoin is an extremely harsh drug that is processes through the liver, and basically shuts down sebum production in the body. Excessive dryness and joint pain are common side effects. For female patients, we are required to jump through extra hoops to prevent pregnancy while on this drug, for it can cause severe birth defects.
As you can tell, this is not a decision I have taken lightly. I mean, do you think I would sign up for more joint pain when I already put enough stress on my joints as it is? Not unless I felt I had exhausted all of my options!
I'm going to try to keep an updated blog of my Accutane journey, talking about my side effects, products I'm using, etc. During the month leading up to my start of Accutane, I found these sort of videos and blog posts to be extremely helpful in educating me about this drug and how to deal with it. I just hope that I can help people in the same way that others helped me.
My skin has always been something I have been ashamed of. When your skin is as bad as mine, you start thinking that everyone is judging you for it, thinking that you don't take care of your skin properly. The truth is there are environmental, hormonal, and genetic factors that are beyond our control. Acne shouldn't be something to be ashamed about. I'm hoping that by talking about it, it will help people with a similar condition to mine realize that IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT YOUR SKIN IS THIS WAY. You are beautiful, and you haven't done anything wrong. The only reason to deal with this skin condition should be personal discomfort, not what other people think about you. The reason I am doing this has everything to do with the fact that my face is constantly in a state of pain, itchiness, or some other form of discomfort.
Sorry if this has been a bit of a ramble. Hopefully I will get back into the swing of this whole blogging thing again.
These photos I am posting are hard for me to look at, so please be kind.
Fly high, little birds!
xxx
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)